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We all have lots of secrets and issues. If you're middle aged and in the closet, I bet you have a lot of confidence and self esteem issues too. Being in that sticky situation leaves you with a few options: (1) Come out and live proudly as a gay man (2) Stay in the closet, and indulge in risky, unhealthy, and destructive behavior such as being an online cash fag. (3) Just stay in the closet and try to live a "normal", straight life.

So sad. I am not a cash fag myself, and have no intention in being one. As a happy and confident gay person I think it's kind of pathetic to try to engage in a parasocial, money driven relationship with a straight man who wants nothing but your hard earned money and who will never be emotionally involved with you.

I understand why some gay men choose to spend thousands of dollars on a fantasy. If they are younger or hotter they may have the option of hooking up with some really good looking men on the internet, but they don't have this option. Some of these cash fags let their masters humiliate them in the public THEN rob their money.

Out of pure curiosity, I joined a few yahoo groups where cash fags and masters meet to understand this business. I've scanned through the forum messages left between masters and slaves and it is easy to say that the lack of self confidence and shameful self hatred of these cash fags are just as obscene as the sadist pictures posted by their jock masters.

Like any other kinds of unhealthy habits, there are self help groups to help people to overcome this addiction. Here is an article written by a member of the CSA Cash Slaves Anonymous group, which I think is quite useful if you constantly struggle with this nasty habit.

You are a cash slave and you’ve realized that you are terribly addicted to the experience of being used and cashraped by online masters. You have spent enormous sums of money, possibly thousands of dollars over the years, and you have nothing to show for it. You have neglected your personal obligations, your bills, your family and real-time friends and spend hour upon hour online waiting for these masters to extract payments from you.

You rationalize your addiction, telling yourself that you do not blow money on gambling, alcohol or tobacco. You try to convince yourself that it brings you enjoyment and that it is a matter of personal choice.

Most likely you are a middle-aged (or older) gay man who did not come out as a homosexual until you were at least in your mid to late 20s, if not later. You grew up internalizing your feelings of self-loathing and self-hatred and secretly admired and longed for the companionship and approval of masculine men.

When you were first introduced to online financial domination, you had no idea what a rush it would be to tribute one of these hot young men that you’d been secretly worshipping all your life. As this master debased and humiliated you, you became aroused and excited. You were amazed by his cockiness and self confidence. You were mesmerized by the way he boldly stated the insulting realities that you already knew about yourself but never actually admitted openly.

After paying your tribute(s) you felt a sense of gratification. You felt as if it was right for you to be ripped off the way you were because you knew that in truth you were a worthless faggot. You also felt stupid, pathetic, and gullible. You probably even told yourself that it was a one-time experience that would never happen again. But you were wrong. The next time that you began fantasizing about masculine, self-confident, arrogant, powerful men—you were right back online looking for one to use you again.

It continued from there and eventually you changed your screenname to something that would identify yourself as inferior. You started to openly acknowledge your inferiority and actually go as far as to advertise the fact that you were pretty much just an ATM for online masters.

But now you feel trapped. You hate yourself worse than ever and want out. You may have tried quitting already but were unsuccessful. You would go for a few days or weeks without tributing, but then eventually would crawl right back and repeat the same behavior.

So how do you ever break free from this?

Honestly, I don’t know because I’m in the same boat as you. But I am willing to put pen to paper and give it a shot. I’m merely sharing some thoughts and I’m open to any input, pro or con.

Here are my observations:
There are two very different questions that you must face: Firstly, how do I stop this behavior?, and secondly, how do I change the way I feel about myself? The first question is answered easily. You stop the behavior by simply deciding not to continue. I’m going to offer some specific suggestions on what you can do to help you follow through on the decision. But even if you do successfully manage to stop tributing for a period of time, if you continue to think of yourself as an inferior slave, you will always have a desire to return to it.
Going cold turkey may work for you just like it has for many tobacco addicts who have quit smoking. But most of us will not have that kind of willpower. One alternative to the cold turkey method is to find a less harmful alternative. Since sexual arousal is a key component of cash rape, you may turn to viewing pornography as an option. Be cautious though, because this too can become an addiction. You may also seek out an online dominant contact who wishes to engage in roll play that doesn’t involve actual money. You may also actually seek out realtime contacts, sexually dominant men who do not seek cash payments but who instead simply want to dominate you in a realtime setting.
If you are able to make real progress and break away from the grip of your addiction, you can take the following steps to ensure long-time success:
Separate yourself from temptation by deleting your yahoo or other online messenger accounts. If you have no means of contacting masters, you cannot tribute
Bring your addiction out in the open. So far you have been hiding your behavior from literally everyone. No one in your real life knows you’re a cash slave. Have the courage to change this by confiding in a confidant. Then make yourself accountable to them
Find a trusted person to oversee your finances. Make your accounts available to this person for routine inspection. Simply knowing that they have the ability to see what you are doing will deter you from sending money transfers.
Get professional help to address the issues you have with your self esteem and your internalized homophobia. If you’re able to find a good therapist they are likely to use cognitive therapy to teach you how to think of yourself positively rather than to hate the person you are.
Replace your online addiction with healthy real-time activity. Become involved in something that gets you away from your home and your computer. It can be a second job, a community service involvement, a social activity or hobby… anything.
Understand that you can be submissive sexually without hating yourself. You can even serve a master if you so choose. But a real master is not someone who takes no responsibility for your well being. A real master is someone who values his slaves as prized possessions and would not wish them any harm. He is a protector and a decisive leader, not a leach who drains you of all you have and then discards you.

The key to success is being able to teach yourself to see the entire scene from a different perspective. Think of it as you would if you were an outsider objectively observing the entire situation. How would you describe the masters who are so greatly revered online? How would you describe the slaves? Most likely you will conclude that the masters are young good-looking guys who want to make some easy money. Slaves are older gay men with low self esteem who get off on being taken advantage of by these young guys. It is that simple. If you remember this and keep it in perspective you will probably also conclude that you’re not nearly as inferior as you thought you were. Without your tributes, these masters wouldn’t be all that powerful. And if they are truly the gods that they claim to be, why do they spend so much time online? Shouldn’t they instead actually be out ruling the world?
Most likely your decision to quit will not be something that is immediate. And even after you do quit, you very well may return as a slave, begging once again to tribute. But if you are able to go two weeks, then praise yourself for it. Use the money you would have spent on your addiction to do something for yourself instead. Then maybe you can quit again and go a whole month. Then maybe six months. I know it is very, very hard, especially if you live alone and do not have a boyfriend. But if you don’t break free from this, you never will have one. In fact, you never will have much of anything.

Well those are just some thoughts. I know they will not be popular with the masters who happen to read them. I’m not advocating that slaves quit the scene. I’m not promoting disobedience or disrespect to masters. I’m merely offering another perspective. If you decide you need to quit, this may or may not be helpful.

Labels: cash fags, secret confessions, self help, straight guys

photo credit: Guy Telreault

A couple months ago I wrote about SigEp's "balanced man" initiative which added yoga as one of the activities. Now, it seems natural to expect guys, frat or not, to look after their spiritual and emotional health.

Researches showed that meditation produced specific changes in the brain linked to empathy, constant meditation is believed to make your brain kinder. I think a lot of us do actually need some form of anger management, as increasingly we are bombarded with hateful messages, and almost invariably, we experience a rush in testosterone and respond with anger when we have the option of simply ignoring it. Sometimes you just couldn't believe how much hate people can have on others for no good reason. Case in point: the American Family Association recently picked General Motors as a boycott target for advertising to gay guys. And the GoodAsYou blog put it well: "Honestly, these AFA kids are more myopic in their focus than a used car salesman who just learned he has 100 dollars in the bank and twins on the way!" I always have this suspicion that those who are most vocal in bashing the gay community are the deeply closeted cases - John Paulk, for example (not to be confused with Johan Paulik who is as hot and fuckable as ever) I'm convinced that the best and the fastest way to shut these AFA people up is to expose their hypocrisy, and to expose their hidden messed up personal lives.

So, back to meditation. There are several free meditation podcasts that help to quiet your mind, meditationoasis.com is one of the good ones. If you are serious in maintaining your wellbeing and have $79 to spend, meditainment.com is a great choice, it has a collection of guided meditation that literally take you out of this world. You can have a free trial and see if you like it before spending any money.

One thing I want to try is transcendantal meditation, a lot of guys I know are recommending it, any of you tried that?

Labels: self help

Mortgages, stocks, jobs, health insurance. These are just some of the things people have to start to manage after they left college. College students are graduating with an average of $20,000 of student loan debt, 10 years ago, the figure was merely $10,000. The 25-34 age bracket has the second-highest rate of bankruptcy next to those 35-44.

Different stages of life, same problems.

Money, or the lack of, has always been a source of frustration for many. If you have read Rich Dad Poor Dad or The Millionaire Next Door, you probably would know one of the key techniques to accumulate wealth in a sustainable and relatively painless manner is to own assets. Frugality is another key technique. I have witnessed many of my college friends dropped out simply because they could not afford not to work while they took on a full course load. Being a massive self help junkie, I read extensively on topics including personal finance, motivational and biographies of people who have "been there done that". While all of the books are helpful, tips on how to raise millions from venture capitalists or a success story of using leverage finance to buy properties may not directly relate to my current life problems. Also, not that many useful books are written specifically for people about to leave college and enter the real world on how to manage their money and time.

Then I bumped into this: No More Ramen: The 20-Something's Real World Survival Guide: Straight Talk on Jobs, Money, Balance, Life, and More

This book contains more than 200 insightful interviews with recent graduates from UCLA, Harvard, Columbia, Arizona State, MIT, Penn State etc on topics of money and career. Having the money to groom yourself and maintain a good body greatly increases your chances of a successful courtship. Once in a while it’s easy to lose motivation and let it slip, this book is exactly what you need if you’re in apathy mode.

Labels: prepular's choice, self help

So in your quest to dominate your corner of the world, you might be wonder about higher order questions. Why is some people seem to always get the attention? Why am I not happy despite all the money I've spent on myself? How can I get a better job? How to manipulate the situation to my advantage? Why am I not getting any?

One characteristic that distinguishes a successful person from an unsuccessful one is the bias for action. Success often depends on taking action. It is scientifically proven that procrastination is harmful to your health.

Plan a "private time" in your schedule
Try to set aside at least 30 minutes every day that allow you to do something you truly enjoy. Often times, you are exhausted after a long day of work and study, the thought of having to set aside half an hour seems more like a luxury you can't afford. But it's not. This 30 minutes of private time, which may be spent on reading, preparing a nice dinner, watching a comedy, taking a long bath, jogging, gardening, writing emails to old friends, playing your favorite songs, is essential. It is essential because your happiness is at stake, and more often than not, people get too caught up in their daily work and life dramas, and forget to take time off and look after themselves. If bitching about little things really make you happy, go spend 30 minutes doing it. The whole point is, do something that makes you happy and look after yourself.

Do you remember an event in the past week that you truly had fun? Do you let the whole week passed by without taking time out for yourself? Or do you just feel tired all the time?

Take responsibilities
Every time you point fingers and blame others for an unwanted outcome, you are simply giving away your power. This is not to say you should put your hand up for every mistakes that are made in every situation. In fact, blaming others for your own faults maybe part of the important survival strategy in the workplace or in a group environment. The problem lies in people actually convinced themselves that there is nothing they can do to achieve a better outcome. In the process they gradually victimize themselves. You can not really control how people treat you, but you can learn to manage their nasty remarks and your own emotions. If you are not happy with your weight, is it a good time to go back to the gym? If your GPA is 2.5, instead of thinking it is irrelevant to your actual intelligence, is it a better option to book a meeting with your TA and ask for help with your study strategy?

Talk is cheap.

Working, studying and maintaining a full social life is tough. And to survive under absolutely Darwinian conditions isn’t easy. The most important things involve being determined to doing the thing, finding friends to help you out and commiserate when things have gone downhill, and just sticking with it.

Labels: college, self help

10 things I want for my life right now
Top Row:
(L) Be relevant, trendy and hip, regardless of age
(C) Get a better job at a more prestigious company
(R) Have a hot looking boyfriend like Corbin Fisher's Nick

Second Row:
(L) Be able to have fun
(C) Keep in touch with friends and tell them how much they mean to me
(R) Gain the acceptance of respectable people

Middle Row:
(C) Go for a spa retreat at the Four Seasons Hotel

Bottom Row:
(L) Spend sometime tanning and swimming in Greece
(C) Get back into great shape
(R) Enjoy good food

Labels: luxury, photo essay, self help

I almost missed this one.

Troubled by the declining membership, the Delta Zeta sorority at DePauw University sent letters to members that they deemed not attractive enough, and asked them to leave the sorority and vacate from the house. All the non-whites were also asked to pack their bags. When questioned by a New York times reporter, Delta Zeta's PR representative claimed that "the isolated incident at DePauw has been mischaracterized".

DePauw’s president, Robert G. Bottoms, later issued a two-page letter of reprimand to the sorority. In the end, DePauw disbanded the Delta Zeta chapter altogether.

Apparently this is the microcosm of how the game is played in the society as a whole, as Sororities and Fraternities are often seen as status competitions. If you can guzzle an impressive amount of alcohol, if you are hot AND snobbish, if you buy the right clothes and hang out with the right group, and if you join a frat / sorority, your status goes up. This is how most people see it. The point I want to make is, although it is easy to exclude people who are different or "less desirable", extreme measures like evicting people using looks as the single measurement is not only downright unreasonable, it gives the organization a bad name. I was heartened by the report that half of the slim, white girls who were not kicked out of the DePauw sorority quit in protest.

Labels: college, greek life, interracial relationship, self help, sorority

You don't see that many gay guys that look like those Fratmen models. Gay guys usually gather around art galleries, smell like they have doused themselves in some cologne in near head-exploding quantity, and are never invited to beer pong games. Am I pulling stereotypes? Maybe. Am I telling a disturbing truth? Absolutely.

Do you think that fugly Perez Hilton, Bryanboy or the likes is giving all gay people a bad name? For me, yes. Lucky for us, for every sh1theads like them we have many more decent gay people who actually contribute something to the society like Chip Arndt, Marc Jacobs and Reichen Lehmkuhl. I am not against people who act queenly, just that I want myself to model after people who have better integrity, who are more intelligent, achievement-oriented, self conscious and confident. If you are attracted to guys, I bet you're attracted to their actions, power and domination. That's why straight guys can "market" their dominance, and get tonnes of cash from their "cash fags" on sites like Niteflirt. The real tragedy lies not in the attraction of power, but the unhealthy obsession that gay guys can never be better than straight guys.

It is okay to direct your own life in exactly the same direction you wanted, this can be achieved by having a life plan, reading a lot of self help books, getting a good education, and by learning of manipulation and people skills.

Labels: self help